Being an Upstander
Earlier this year, I read a blog post by Amy Pence-Brown, a self proclaimed fat-activist, who found herself supporting and protecting her daughter who was being bullied in school. She shared that her daughter had been a brave “upstander” in defense of kids with disabilities and that suddenly, she found herself needing to be an upstander for her. What I love about this word (see my previous post about the importance of the words we use) is that it is an action word. Different from being a bystander, being an upstander means taking up for those who may need your support, your voice, your power, or your privilege. It doesn’t mean jumping in and taking over, but it does mean being brave and doing what is right rather than sitting back and watching things happen in front of you.
Recently, I had an opportunity to be an upstander in a situation that was difficult and uncomfortable. It was a moment of, whew, this is not going to be easy, but it needs to be done. So, I did the thing and it actually turned out to be alright. It wasn’t because I was brilliant or profound, but it was in part, I hope, because I lead with true concern. Concern for those who felt hurt and those who felt misunderstood. It was one of those “yes, and” situations that required an ability to see both sides of the situation. As an Enneagram 9, that’s a superpower and in this case, I found it helpful so that I could articulate both perspectives without the heat that each party was feeling when they tried to do so.
In my role as a coach, I often have the benefit of hearing both sides before the parties come together. I intentionally focus on the areas of commonality when possible to help people see that there is often more overlap than they expected. There are absolutely some situations where this isn’t the case and there is a right and a wrong, I don’t seek a middle ground in terms of racism, sexism, ableism and other forms of discrimination, for example. What I do help people see is where intention doesn’t match impact, where harm has been done, and in the words of Brene Brown, that it’s more important to get it right than it is to be right.
Being an upstander is something I will continue to aspire to, because the truth is sometimes I will rise to the challenge and sometimes I’ll fail. I know that sometimes my good intentions can be a bit off the mark despite what I was aiming for and I will hopefully learn from those missteps and try again with greater success. I hope that you will look for ways that you can be an upstander in your circles- when you see an underdog who needs some help, when a misguided effort causes hurt or damage, or when a person with less power than you needs your voice to uplift theirs. As I said before, it won’t always be easy. In fact, having to step up in difficult situations rarely is- but it’s so very worth it, every time.
